


Scars

by prettynialller



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel of the Lord, Angst, Dean Winchester - Freeform, Depressed Castiel, Destiel - Freeform, Fallen Angel, M/M, Protective Dean, Sad Castiel, Sad Dean, Self Harm, Shower angst, castiel - Freeform, very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 07:55:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26848519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettynialller/pseuds/prettynialller
Summary: This is a short one-shot Destiel fic that came into my brain at 2 in the morning :) I literally wrote it in an hour so it's honestly a mess but i needed some sad shower scenes man. This is based off of human cas after he just lost his grace and he is very distraught and upset. Doesn't have a set time frame from where it is in the series but you can take it how it is :)TRIGGER WARNINGS:-SELF HARM-DEPRESSIONplease take care of yourselves if you are easily triggered :) kudos are appreciated comments are even better thank you for your support :)
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester
Kudos: 15





	Scars

Dean finds him in the bathroom. Steam cascading out of the sealed room as he pushes the door open just a crack. Just enough to peer his head in. He hears the water running, splashing off the shower curtain and the wall and skin. He takes a deep breath and pushes the door open further, stepping into the steaming room. The tile is slick beneath his feet, his forehead sticky from the humidity, the mirror is fogged so much he can't even see his own reflection. 

He steps closer to the shower curtain, he can hear ragged breathing. He stops when a heart-wrenching sob erupts from behind the curtain, foot in mid-step. "Cas?" He speaks softly. Another sob and a whimper breaks his frozen state as he continues the last few steps to the curtain. 

"Cas-" he stops, his hand hovering on the blue shower curtain. He closes his eyes and slowly moves the curtain.

Castiel, the fallen angel, is sitting on the floor of the tub. He is facing the showerhead, the water falling right on top of his head, his dark hair a mangled mess. He's knees are pulled into his chest and his head rests there as his shoulders shake with his cries and his breaths. His angel blade is resting by the drain and little swirls of red disappear down into the abyss. Blood. 

Dean stares for a moment, completely frozen in place as he watches Castiel take deep breaths trying to calm himself. He must not have heard Deans entrance as he hasn't moved. Dean finally notices the blade and the red streaks falling down Castiel's arms and legs. 

"Cas," Dean repeats in a whisper sinking down onto his knees with a thud, the curtain scraping across the bar holding it in place as Dean moves it farther to the side. Deans gaze rakes down Cas' body once more before he reaches a trembling hand out onto his back. Cas still doesn't move or even acknowledges his presence, doesn’t even flinch at the contact. He continues sitting there, sobs continue to shudder through him. 

Dean stays like that for a moment. He doesn't know how long but he stays on his knees his arm reaching out with his hand on Cas' back breathing with him. 

And Deans heart breaks at the sight. Of this fallen angel that has given everything to him and more. Dean surely doesn't deserve it. After everything he's put him through. After Cas dove into Hell to revive his lost body after that is when it all started. Dean has put this angel through Hell, literally, and back. And now here Cas sits unable to control his human emotions. Completely overwhelmed by grief and pain and Dean just sits there. He can't even muster up the courage to say anything to him. But just Dean being there sitting with him silently means the world to Castiel. And unknowingly if he is helping or not Dean stays. 

"I-I get it now," Cas finally speaks. Gasping and choking on his sobs. He brings his hands up his face and into his hair, pulling at the locks, hard. Surely it hurts. Dean, in a very Castiel way, cocks his head to the side in confusion. "I get why you make all those s-stupid deals, Dean. I get it." 

Dean stares, still lost at the angel, his hand still resting on his back right in between his shoulder blades. His shirt is completely soaked through on the sleeve but he couldn't care any less at the moment. 

"But, also how? How do you live with such strong feelings and emotions? It's so...so drowning." Cas brings his head up to the water. The stream hitting his face mixing in with his tears. He voice is rough and deep with angst. "My wings." Deans breath hitches in his throat. "I miss my wings, Dean."

"I would do anything to get them back now. I would make a stupid deal because this hurts too m-much."

Cas' face screws up in pain as a rough sob breaks through his body. Dean finally moves. He stands up, tossing his clothes onto the floor in a heap with Castiels. And he crouches down again next to the tub. 

"I'm gonna get in with you now, okay?" Dean whispers to Cas. Cas is still for a moment, hesitating before he slowly nods. 

Dean stands and takes a step into the shower towering behind Cas' back. The water is excruciating almost. Too hot than what he would have it if this was his shower. He lowers himself slowly behind Castiel and pushes his front all the way to his back so they are touching, his legs on either side of Castiel. Dean pushes Cas back and rests his head on his shaking shoulder and watches him, eyes peering into his soul as his arms wrap around Cas' front and run soothingly up and down his legs.

It is not sexual. Not at all but it is undoubtedly very intimate. Sitting here holding Cas as he cries. The hot water hitting their heads and swirling around there bodies. Cas' head falls back onto Deans shoulder as he tries to steady his breaths again eyes closed and Dean sits patiently in silence, mostly because he doesn't know what to say to make his angel feel any better. 

After a moment, a long moment, Cas speaks again, careful not to look at him, "I'm sorry, Dean." 

"What for Cas? It's okay." Dean rubs his arms and places a kiss onto his slick shoulder. Cas shakes his head viciously and whimpers again looking forward eyes falling onto his angel blade and Dean slightly panics his breath catches in his throat. The blood. He forgot about the blood. 

"I've fallen into the weakness of human emotion," He continues to look at the blade and then carefully brings both arms out in front of him. Three gashes appear angrily on Cas' left forearm and one on the right. Cas whimpers as he looks at them, tears streaming down his face again. "Pain." 

Deans breathing practically stops in his throat, his head screaming at Cas for doing something so stupid. As much as he wants to scream at him he doesn't. Dean squeezes Cas' hip and kisses his shoulder again. 

"It's okay, Cas. We got bandaids, I can wrap you up it's okay." 

"No, Dean," Cas shakes his head. "There's- there's more." He whispers. Cas turns his head to look at Dean now. Eyes bloodshot and tired. Tears on his face are undoubtedly there but mixed in with the stream of water Dean can't make them out. Cas tears his eyes away from Dean and turns carefully, wincing slightly and he faces the shower curtain, back to the wall, Dean legs still between his body. Dean looks down at his legs, his thighs. Two angry gashes on his left thigh much deeper than the ones on his wrists. Dean shakes his head in disbelief.

"Cas-"

"I know, I know I'm broken Dean," Cas interrupts. He's looking at Dean again, eyes sad and he shakes his head against the wall. He bites his lip trying not to cry again. 

"Cas, I can fix this. You're okay but baby why?" Dean finally asks, eyes boring into Castiel. He's angry yes but he won't show it now. Cas is in pain. His angel is hurt and he needs to fix this first. “Why didn’t you come to me, angel?”

"I wanted to feel something, something other than the loneliness of losing my wings. I’d rather feel pain than feel the loneliness and helplessness that I've felt since I've fallen." Dean shakes his head again, eyes sad.

“We’re gonna figure this out Cas as a team. You, me and Sam, we’ll fix this like we always do. Sam’s already trying to track down your grace, looking at leads, anything that catches his attention, he’ll let us know. And you can help, Cas.”

"It-it's okay if you don't want me after seeing this. You can leave o-or kick me out. I know I'm hideous." 

"No, no, no, no." Deans hands capture Cas' face and he bites down on his own lip to keep from bursting into tears right then with him, seeing his angel so broken and guilty. 

"Cas you mean everything to me, this," He looks down at his legs and his wrists. "This Cas, is alright but it's also not, dammit." Dean grows frustrated. He can't believe Cas would do this to himself. 

"You shouldn't have taken it out on yourself like this, angel. It's not your fault. Nothing goes our way remember? It's part of this life. But you aren't going anywhere and neither am I okay? We are in this together, you and I. Right? So don't you dare think about doing this again or even think about leaving me. You are gonna stay right here, you are gonna be where I am, you understand me?" Dean speaks strongly and never falters his gaze off of Cas' eyes, willing him to fully understand the importance of his words. 

"You can't leave me Cas, please." Dean grows emotional staring into Cas' blue eyes staring back at him with shared intensity. Cas shakes his head weakly.

"'m not leaving you, Dean." Cas blinks the tears away for good this time. Dean nods and places a gentle kiss to Cas' forehead. He nods again. 

"Okay, angel. Let's get you cleaned up and into some clean clothes." 

Cas turns his back to Dean again as Dean washes his hair. They continue sitting together as they wash each other. Dean watching the blood slowing go down the drain around Cas' body. 

Once they are done showering. They get out, Dean dries himself fast before turning to Cas and drying him, careful not to irritate the angry gashes marked into his skin. The marks Cas made into his own skin by his own angel blade. 

Castiel sits on the edge of the tub as Dean gets the first aid kit and takes care of his wounds. He touches carefully around the torn skin. Luckily, Cas doesn't need stitches but if he went any deeper it would've posed a big problem if Dean hadn't gone and decided to check up on him. Cas watches Dean work on his wounds, his breaths are steady now and his tears gone. He just sits silently as his human patches him up. 

Once Dean is done with his forearms and his thigh, he stands up and looks at Cas. Cas looks back just as intensely and he takes a breath to say something.

“Thank you, Dean. For everything.” He looks up at him through his lashes and stands to get up. Dean engulfs Cas into a hug, both wrapped in towels around their waists. It feels nice to have Cas’ warmth against him, Deans head resting in the crook of Cas’ neck, arms tight around his waist. Cas’ arms around Deans shoulders, one hand absently playing with Deans hair, breathing him in. 

"Please don't ever hurt yourself again," Dean speaks, mumbled into Cas' shoulder, eyes tightly shut as he holds Cas for dear life. His whole being in his arms. 

"Won't Dean, I promise." Cas kisses Dean neck softly. "Wanna lie down Dean."

Dean nods against him and without warning picks Cas up from his waist, earning a squeal from Cas' lips and a giggle as Dean carries Cas down the bunker hallway and towards his bedroom. Cas isn't as heavy as he looks but Deans muscles still strain from lifting him, Cas runs his hands along Deans back and buries his face into his neck. The hallway air is cold and harsh against his naked back as Dean carries him. Pushing the door open with his foot and Cas closing it as they enter the room Dean plops Cas down onto the bed with a thud. 

And the rest is history.


End file.
